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Get Away from Excuses and Get Real
Know How to Create and Set Margins in Your Life
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Know How to Create and Set Margins in Your Life Years ago, I was visiting with my family and mentioned that I thought I might start taking Spanish classes again. I didn’t think I was saying anything shocking but apparently I was because the table went silent. Then my brother spoke and he gave me advice that I have never forgotten. A Life Without Margins “Your living life without any margins, you need to have margins,” he said. As first I didn’t understand what he meant but he asked me to share my schedule at the time of the conversation. From 8am to noon I was in company dance class and rehearsal with the dance company I was a member of. At noon I would eat lunch then start the office work for the dance company and the dance and drama center I co-owned. Around 4pm or 4:15pm I would begin teaching dance classes until 9pm. On nights that I didn’t teach until 9pm, I was at Washington University taking classes for a graduate degree. On Saturday I would teach from 9am to noon or 1pm and then either went home to do homework or was touring our dance ensembles (our student dance groups) to various organizations and institutions. On Sunday was homework and dance ensemble touring if it was also scheduled on Sunday. If the dance company I was a member of was performing that would be happening Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights with a Sunday matinee. In other words I basically had occasional Sundays off and sometimes Saturday afternoon. I also don’t want to forget to mention that when you are dancing and teaching dance that much your body is just physically tired if not in pain all the time. Never mind the idea of getting laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping done. Some how I thought I would fit in a Spanish class? It was crazy. I had no margins. There was no room for anything to go wrong or take longer than it’s normally allotted time. My brother was referring how a piece of lined paper has a margin on both sides in addition to the top and the bottom margins. We use those spaces for the spill over of words and notes that we don’t have room for in the body of the paper. We all Need Margins in Our Life We all need margins in our lives because life is messy and doesn’t stay within the lines. As it happened I ended up having to have back surgery which ended up not going right. I had thought it would mean a couple weeks off but I woke up from surgery not being able to hold myself up and walk, in addition to increased pain. Obviously I was not able to dance much less come back to work for a long time. Actually I was never able to dance professionally again. Unfortunately, because my life was so tightly scheduled, my health problems negatively affected others. I wasn’t able to travel back to where I lived. I had had the surgery in New York City and was living in St,. Louis. I made it to my Mom’s home in Washington DC to recuperate after spending some time in a New York City hospital then a hotel near the hospital. Otherwise Everything Falls Apart Meanwhile, back in St. Louis, my business partner was trying to cover my classes and her classes and the company work. I think she ended up bringing in another teacher to help but it was majorly disruptive. I wasn’t even able to come back to St. Louis for about 6 weeks. And then I wasn’t able to teach or work very much. Everything fell apart in my life because I had been so tightly scheduled that I had to drop out of everything and that not only adversely affected me but the people I worked with. I had no backup plan and no margins so that it was inevitable that things fell apart. I also discovered I had no life outside of what I did of dancing, teaching and going to school. So when I couldn’t do those things, it was lonely and boring. I had had no room in my life to cultivate a life in St. Louis. You need margins to do that. Do You Have Margins in Your Life? Look at how your life is composed. Are there margins for spillage? Start blocking out your margins so that you have some room not just to get everything done but also to cultivate a well-rounded life that always has some space for “overflow. Abigail Wurf, PCC, M.Ed helps professionals, entrepreneurs, and small business owners affected by ADHD and/or Executive function issues achieve success in business and in life. Located in Washington DC, Abigail works with clients in person, over the phone and over the Internet. Her new book, “Forget Perfect: How to Succeed in Your Profession and Personal Life Even if You Have ADHD,” is loaded with tips to help overwhelmed people get things done and be more strategic about how to live their lives. To receive a free consult from Abigail, make a request through the contact form and she will get back with you to schedule. |
Editing Yourself
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Editing Yourself! Just as one might edit a composition for school, you can edit your stuff. Once my family got so fed up with all the stuff I had that they got out extra big garbage bags and set me to work. 7 bags later we took a photo of me in the midst of all the full garbage bags. I did not keep the photo because it looked like I was being thrown out with a pile of trash. Ever since then, my family has talked about when I need to edit. It is usually when my stuff is taking over my living space.. Editing one’s stuff is tough just as it is tough to edit a composition. It takes thought and patience. When editing a composition, one goes through line by line and asks questions. Questions such as:
Less is More Remember, less truly is more. I believe this because I interpret that as meaning you are more likely to use what you have picked to keep. With less you develop deeper relationships with what remains. You are more likely to use it mainly because now you can find it. Last weekend, I started re-arranging my book shelves. My bedroom was getting overwhelmed with piles of books on the floor everywhere I could fit them. I wanted to move some of the books into my living room because they are related to work and that is where I keep my other books related to work. I have six book shelves in my living room and three in my bedroom. But no more space on any of the shelves. So somethings had to go. I boxed up books that I am no longer referring to, are dated and/or no longer a primary interest. I still needed more space. Time to to do some painful editing. What could I live without? While doing this process I reminded my self that I am not using these particular books and better to give them away to those who will benefit from them. That is an important detail when editing – know where the stuff you are removing is going to go at the beginning so that once you have sorted what is to go, it has a place to go. This is to avoid letting the stuff sit around, of no use to anyone, then becoming the definition of clutter. I will admit, that after this particular weekend of editing, that I have boxes of books to give away sitting in my second bedroom. My excuse is that I need help to carry the books to my car. I’m sticking with this position!
A Sense of Accomplishment A few things occur after editing:
Generally, a good feeling is had by all. To accomplish editing, I suggest you do it in chunks. That way you make less of a mess and have clear victories. I first worked with sorting, editing and shelving my business related books. Then I stopped for the day. The next day I tackled my productivity and focus related books and stopped for the day. By doing it this way in chunks, I felt success at the end of each session. Also, by keeping my sessions short, I didn’t tire and get burnt out of the editing and therefore not finishing. I still have some books to sort but that is for next weekend. Keeping editing to short chunks increases the likelihood of accomplishing what you set out to achieve. Is there stuff of yours you want to edit? Break it into chunks and accomplish a little each day. Small successes motivate more action. Final note: when editing your stuff, just pull out what you are going to work with in that session so that you do not leave a mess at the end of each session. Seeing the mess is discouraging and makes it hard to continue. But if you do it in chunks and see things gradually looking better it is encouraging. What is waiting for you to edit? -Abigail Abigail Wurf, PCC, M.Ed helps professionals, entrepreneurs, and small business owners affected by ADHD and/or Executive function issues achieve success in business and in life. Located in Washington DC, Abigail works with clients in person, over the phone and over the Internet. Her new book, “Forget Perfect: How to Succeed in Your Profession and Personal Life Even if You Have ADHD,” is loaded with tips to help overwhelmed people get things done and be more strategic about how to live their lives. To receive a free consult from Abigail, make a request through the contact form and she will get back with you to schedule. |
Are You Living an Anticipatory Life?
Are You Living an Anticipatory Life?
by Abigail Wurf
“Now and Not Now”
Psychiatrist and author of such ADHD classics, “Driven to Distraction” and “Delivered from Distraction,” Ned Hallowell said at a talk I attended some years ago, that for those affected by ADHD there was “Now, and not now.” Time often does not have the same meaning to us as it does for those not affected by attention difficulties.
Anticipatory Living
His talk led me to start thinking about what I call “Anticipatory Living.” This is living with the future in mind as much of the time as possible. From the simple idea of thinking ahead, to the more complex idea that every action causes some sort of reaction; and while acting to anticipate reactions and their ramifications to the pertinent moment and the future. This allows you to determine how you act in the moment.
Simple to Complex
It can be as basic as checking your calendar and “to do list” for the next day the night before so that you can make sure there will be no surprises that are within your control. It can go as far as pre-emptive behavior modification in the moment.
Are you living an anticipatory life? Thinking not just in the “now,” but also the ramifications of the “now?”
Living on your “Tippy Toes”
I like to think of it as living on my “tippy toes.” That is probably the past dancer in me. The image in my head is of standing at a wall that is my height and acting or saying something. I am only seeing and thinking what is on my side of the wall. But, if I get on my “tippy toes” I can see over the wall, and beyond my current situation.
Seeing that beyond is simultaneously informing me and affecting me as to how I act and/or speak. I can anticipate more the ramifications of my actions and temper them.
It allows me, when I remember to get on my “tippy toes,” that I can be in the present moment and think out how I am shifting my future so that my actions actually get the results I desire.
Abigail Wurf, PCC, M.Ed helps professionals, entrepreneurs, and small business owners affected by ADHD and/or Executive function issues achieve success in business and in life. Located in Washington DC, Abigail works with clients in person, over the phone and over the Internet. Her new book, “Forget Perfect: How to Succeed in Your Profession and Personal Life Even if You Have ADHD,” is loaded with tips to help overwhelmed people get things done and be more strategic about how to live their lives. To receive a free consult from Abigail, make a request through the contact form and she will get back with you to schedule.
Are You Being Treated “Less Than”?
Are You Being Treated “Less Than”?
Quality Over Quantity
I didn’t have tons of friends growing up. Not uncommon for someone affected by ADHD. It didn’t really bother me because I figured I preferred a few really good friends over a lot of casual friends. But the problem with having a small circle of people you surround yourself with is that each member of that circle has tremendous power over you and the circle.
Being Treated “Less Than”
One of my friends at that time wasn’t that popular with my family and I couldn’t understand why. As we got older I began to understand. They didn’t like the way she treated me. I was always made to feel “less than” by her. Upon reflection, I realize now that I made her feel good about herself in a superior way. I was valuable to her because of that.
But, as things will happen as you grow up, I began to realize I was tired of being treated as “less than” and should really only surround myself with people who treated me as an equal. It wasn’t my purpose to serve as a prop for someone else’s ego.
Are You in a “Less Than” Situation?
As I look around me, I see clients in relationships both personal and professional where they are a “less than” and they are grateful just to be invited to the party. Whether it be a friend, family member, significant other or colleague, you should never feel “less than” another. Part of it is your responsibility to stand up for yourself and realize you deserve people who value you in both success and trouble.
Are their people in your group who treat you as “less than?” If so you have two choices – shift the relationship to one of greater equality or let go of the relationship. This is painful either way. People are resistant to changes in power dynamics and they are resistant to ending a relationship that they feel superior in.
Are You Being Boosted Up or Pushed Down?
Your quality of life is greatly affected by the company you keep. Are you being boosted up or pushed down? You deserve relationships, no matter if they are minor or major, that move you upward in your feelings for yourself and others.
Look around you at the people who you have surrounded yourself with, are they there to help you succeed or simply make themselves feel better? I still believe, as I did when I was younger – quality over quantity.
Abigail Wurf, PCC, M.Ed helps professionals, entrepreneurs, and small business owners affected by ADHD and/or Executive function issues achieve success in business and in life. Located in Washington DC, Abigail works with clients in person, over the phone and over the Internet. Her new book, “Forget Perfect: How to Succeed in Your Profession and Personal Life Even if You Have ADHD,” is loaded with tips to help overwhelmed people get things done and be more strategic about how to live their lives. To receive a free consult from Abigail, make a request through the contact form and she will get back with you to schedule.
How to Choose an ADHD Coach
How to Choose an ADHD Coach
Just as everyone is an individual, different coaches work in different ways. As mentioned in my post “How to Find an ADHD Coach” you can find a coach through a search on google, ADHD coach specific directories and by referral. Once you have identified a few coaches it is time to talk with them to find out who would be the best match for you.
Chemistry:
Good chemistry is important when it comes to working with a coach. You need to feel comfortable with them, trust them and be able to be honest with them. I suggest you talk with at least 3 coaches to understand the variety available.
Training and Qualifications:
Aside from chemistry there are some qualifications you can inquire about. Due to the lack of regulations regarding coaching, anyone can call themselves a coach. For those who choose to, a person can get certified as a coach. Any company can say they train and certify coaches. But the pre-eminent organization in coaching is the ICF (International Coaches Federation.) They don’t train coaches but they accredit coaching schools that prove they teach a specific code of ethics, conduct and coaching. Once a person has gone through coaching training they can apply for a credential. The first and lowest credential is an ACC (Associate Certified Coach) which is basically pretty easy to get. The next level is PCC (Professionally Certified Coach) they have much more extensive training and many more hours of coaching experience than the ACC. The highest level is the MCC (Master Certified Coach). No matter how much training you do there is no guarantee that you will ever make it to be an MCC. All the three certifications require testing to become certified.
If possible, it is preferable to work with a certified by the ICF coach because they have committed to a specific code of conduct and ethical behavior in addition to having been trained in the skill of coaching.
ACCs are usually the cheapest and MCCs are usually the most expensive coaches. But you may not save money working with an ACC because they may not be as efficient as a PCC or MCC resulting in spending more money because the coach is not as experienced and may not work as quickly.
Experience:
If is good to ask what level of experience each coach has. This means how many hours have they coached and how many clients. For example, I am a PCC and have been coaching for 6 – 7 years and have coached over a couple thousand hours..
Some coaches specialize such as ADHD coaches who should also aside from regular coach training, have trained specifically for ADHD coaching. You want to find out what type of specialized training each of the coaches you are looking at have, if any.
Background:
The coaches’ background can also play a role. I think that it is better if you find a coach who has had a previous career prior to coaching. Those that just start coaching with no real work and life experience, I believe are at a disadvantage in comparison to coaches that have some living under their belt. For example, I have worked in the non-profit world, the “for profit” world and as an entrepreneur. This allows me a certain depth of experience and ability to identify with many different sorts of people. Additionally, I have a masters’ in education that has informed my understanding of different ways people learn, this helps my coaching.
This is why it is important to interview several coaches to find out not only if they are compatible but also qualified with the depth of experience to help you.
Logistical:
Finally, there are the logistical issues. How does the coach work – over the phone, over the internet and/or in person. For example, I am rare that I see 80% of my clients in person. They come to me in Washington DC from Virginia, Maryland and the District. For those that don’t have the time or the inclination as well as those who are not located near me, I work by phone or internet. This has allowed me to work with people locally in person and with people across the world.
Abigail Wurf, PCC, M.Ed helps professionals, entrepreneurs, and small business owners affected by ADHD and/or Executive function issues achieve success in business and in life. Located in Washington DC, Abigail works with clients in person, over the phone and over the Internet. Her new book, “Forget Perfect: How to Succeed in Your Profession and Personal Life Even if You Have ADHD,” is loaded with tips to help overwhelmed people get things done and be more strategic about how to live their lives. To receive a free consult from Abigail, make a request through the contact form and she will get back with you to schedule.