Find past episodes of the show below and be sure to subscribe on iTunes so you never miss an episode.
ADHD Couples: When Your ADHD Partner Refuses Meds
- Worry the medication changes their personality.
- Worry the medication will affect their libido.
- Worry that stimulants are dangerous.
- Worry that stimulants are addictive.
- Worry about side effects of stimulants.
- Worry because where they work does/or could do drug testing.
- Doesn’t believe in taking medication for “mental issues.”
- Doesn’t believe in taking medication at all.
- Believes there are natural remedies that work just as well.
- Believe diet can solve their ADHD symptoms.
- Don’t really believe they have ADHD or if they do that it doesn’t affect things.
Abigail Wurf, M.Ed, CLC
ADHD and Executive Functions Coach Abigail Wurf works with adults, couples and parents affected by ADHD or executive function issues (see definition below) in a coaching and/or consulting capacities. Her clientele also includes college and graduate students struggling to make it through their programs. She conducts workshops and speaking presentations on executive function issues such as productivity, planning, prioritizing, goal setting, time management, task initiation, emotional regulation, focus, meta-cognition, working memory, self inhibition and flexibility/shift. Abigail’s work also includes presentations on ADHD, specific executive functions or theories of executive functions, invisible disabilities, resiliency and motivation.ADHD and Couples: Having Conversations That Stick!
How to have a conversation that the learning lasts past the actual conversation when one, if not both partners/spouses, are affected by ADHD
A great frustration of partners of people affected by ADHD is they experience a good conversation with their partner just to discover a day or two later that it is all but forgotten. This is not a deliberate thing on the part of the person affected with ADHD. None-the-less it is extremely annoying to the person without ADHD no matter how understanding they are.
So what to do about this? There is a technique that while it doesn’t solve the problem it can improve the odds of the conversation making more of an impact in the moment, a lasting impression and a better understanding of what is being said by each party. The one caveat is that the process takes patience and that is not always in great supply especially for people affected by ADHD.
To begin with each partner thinks carefully about what they want to say, take notes if they have to. Once the couple chooses who is going to go first, that partner makes one point, comment or question they wish to share. JUST ONE.
The second partner must repeat back that point, comment or question USING THEIR OWN WORDS. This will show that they are processing the information. The original partner cannot interrupt while the second partner is reframing what the original partner has said. The original partner does not interrupt. Then it is up to the original partner to comment as to whether the second partner got the reframing correct. If not, the original partner will repeat what they are trying to communication again and the second partner will try reframing again.
You stick with one idea at a time until you both feel like you both are in agreement that you understand each other’s point. THIS DOES NOT MEAN AGREEING. Just that both partners now feel they have been heard properly.
The conversation proceeds in this manner. Point by point, issue by issue until you naturally come to a conclusion. If need be, especially for the ADHD partner, take breaks. BUT, during those breaks do not sneak in comments regarding the topic under conversation that you are reframing that will surely end the respectful communication you have built.
So make your couple conversations stick by taking turns reframing each others points of view until you both are understanding each others points of view. Come to agreements through real listening and if necessary write down your decisions to help both of you remember. Good Luck!
Abigail Wurf, M.Ed, CLC
ADHD and Executive Functions Coach
Abigail Wurf works with adults, couples and parents affected by ADHD or executive function issues (see definition below) in a coaching and/or consulting capacities. Her clientele also includes college and graduate students struggling to make it through their programs.
She conducts workshops and speaking presentations on executive function issues such as productivity, planning, prioritizing, goal setting, time management, task initiation, emotional regulation, focus, meta-cognition, working memory, self inhibition and flexibility/shift.
Abigail’s work also includes presentations on ADHD, specific executive functions or theories of executive functions, invisible disabilities, resiliency and motivation.
ADHD and Relationships: Abigail Wurf
ADHD and relationships is a topic that is not talked about enough in the context of what I call “ADHDland.”
I feel I can talk about this because I have been trained specifically to coach ADHD couples and I coach ADHD couples all over the country. Some in person and others over the phone.
We work in different ways. Sometimes it is all couple work and other times some of it is couple work with additional individual work with both partners separately or just one partner needs individual coaching to augment the couple coaching. Usually it is the ADHD affected partner that needs the additional individual coaching but not always.
Usually the ADHD affected partner realizes that change needs to happen because they have heard it many times from their nonADHD partners. Sometimes it gets to the point of threats such as “if you don’t do something I am getting a divorce.”
What the nonADHD partner wants is the ADHD partner to change and lose their negative ADHD characteristics but still remain the person they were originally attracted to. This can be problematic since sometimes some of the more “iffy” ADHD characteristics were what attracted them in the first place.
What is also often surprising is that it is not just the ADHD person who needs to adjust. Actually, as the saying goes “it takes two to tango.” Both partners contribute to what is going on so both of them need to make adjustments not just the ADHD partner. This is sometimes a shocker to the nonADHD partner and they can be resistant just as the ADHD partner can be resistant to change.
Over the month of February I will discuss these issues and many more. No one comes out unscathed and no one comes out smelling like a rose.
Abigail Wurf, M.Ed, CLC
ADHD and Executive Functions Coach
Abigail Wurf works with adults, couples and parents affected by ADHD or executive function issues (see definition below) in a coaching and/or consulting capacities. Her clientele also includes college and graduate students struggling to make it through their programs.
She conducts workshops and speaking presentations on executive function issues such as productivity, planning, prioritizing, goal setting, time management, task initiation, emotional regulation, focus, meta-cognition, working memory, self inhibition and flexibility/shift.
Abigail’s work also includes presentations on ADHD, specific executive functions or theories of executive functions, invisible disabilities, resiliency and motivation.
How to Hire an ADHD Coach: Part 2: What You Should Ask the Potential Coaches About
In part 1 of How to Hire an ADHD Coach I looked at the best way to find quality prospects and suggested that you pick about three coaches to investigate further.
The following is the information you should find out from their website and/or during your conversations with them.
What populations do they have experience ADHD coaching? Adults, adolescents, college students, couples, parents, etc.
Do they have specific training with said populations?
What is their coach training?
What is their ADHD coach training?
How long have they been ADHD coaching?
Do they continue their ADHD coaching education?
What is their philosophy about ADHD?
What is their philosophy about ADHD coaching?
Aside from one on one ADHD coaching, do they have other programs?
If it matters to you, ask how they got involved with ADHD coaching, i.e. have ADHD themselves, parent of someone affected by ADHD, retired teacher, etc.
Are they a member of any professional organizations such as the International Coaches Federation (the ICF) which means they have agreed to certain ethical standards. The ADHD Coaches Organization is a professional membership organization which means they are likely interest in professionalism within ADHD coaching. Membership in any of these is not mandatory but shows involvement in the ADHD Community. Other organizations are CHADD or ADDA.
Are they immediately available for new clients?
What are the days and hours they see clients?
What are the costs for one on one coaching? Do they charge per session or do they have packages such as three months or 6 sessions?
What comes with sessions or packages of sessions such as unlimited emails between sessions?
What methods of payment do they take?
When do you pay?
What are their policies for cancellations or re-scheduling?
How long are the actual sessions?
If you are considering a coach you would see in person, ask about transportation issues. Is public transportation near them or is there easy parking available where they are located? And also ask about issues of accessibility if you have any issues that impede you ability to see them.
When talking with the coach do they inquire about you? Are they just interested in talking about themselves or do they try to find out what your goals are for coaching?
Do you feel like you connected with the coach while talking with them? It is important that the two of you are able to build a rapport on which to develop a relationship.
This is serious business, remember you are doing this for a better life. Hopefully this will be life changing so it is important that you do due diligence before making a decision.
Don’t just choose the first coach you talk with or let yourself be pressured into making an appointment or signing up for a program during your first call. Call at least three coaches. Look at your notes. The cheapest coach isn’t always the best to go with. Whom did you feel most comfortable with, connected with? Who could answer your questions with substantial responses? Who was willing to be informative for the sake of being informative?
Decide if you are really ready to work on your life before you make an appointment with any of the potential coaches.
Who did you instinctively trust the most? That is your coach!
Email or call them back to set up a session!
Did you find a coach? How did you end up choosing one? What was the deal breaker for you that made you choose the one you chose? Love to hear your comments!
Abigail Wurf, M.Ed, CLC
ADHD and Executive Functions Coach
Abigail Wurf works with adults, couples and parents affected by ADHD or executive function issues (see definition below) in a coaching and/or consulting capacities. Her clientele also includes college and graduate students struggling to make it through their programs.
She conducts workshops and speaking presentations on executive function issues such as productivity, planning, prioritizing, goal setting, time management, task initiation, emotional regulation, focus, meta-cognition, working memory, self inhibition and flexibility/shift.
Abigail’s work also includes presentations on ADHD, specific executive functions or theories of executive functions, invisible disabilities, resiliency and motivation.
How to Hire an ADHD Coach: Part 1: How to Find Potential Quality Coaches
In Part 1 of How to Hire an ADHD Coach, I discuss the process and resources available for locating and learning the basics about potential ADHD Coaches. In part 2 I discuss what information you should look for and questions you should be ask potential coaches once you have selected a few that appeal to you. (Yes, you have to talk to the prospective coaches!)
You’re ready for ADHD coaching, but don’t know how or whom to hire? First off, strike while the iron is hot. Don’t put it off. When you know you are ready start looking immediately before the notion becomes less immediate for a while again. You know what I am talking about? Right?
Luckily, there are sites that list ADHD coaches and their specialties but before you do that you need to think!
Why do you want an ADHD coach? The answer to that question will make your search more efficient. If you are not sure how ADHD coaching works see my blogs “Abigail Wurf: Why Hire an ADHD Coach?” and “Abigail Wurf: What Happens During an ADHD Coaching Session?”
A good way to hire an ADHD coach is through a personal recommendation from a doctor, therapist, social worker, fellow person affected by ADHD or someone else who knows you. But often that is not possible. The following are the steps to take to find ADHD coaches and what to ask them once you have selected a few. You don’t have to ask every question but I tried to think of every possible issue.
The first step is to go to one of the websites that list ADHD coaches.
www.adhdcoaches.org The ADHD Coaches Organization is a professional organization for ADHD coaches (I think this is the best site because to be a professional member you must have a prescribed minimal level of training) (full disclosure, I am on their board of directors.) The downside of the ACO listing is that it is not large.
www.chadd.org CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder) is the largest ADHD organization and also has a coach listing. There are no criteria to be listed. As with all the listing sites, coaches pay to be listed.
www.add.org ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) is an organization specifically devoted to adults with ADHD. I have noticed recently that they are expanding to reach out to the college student population.
www.additudemag.com Additude is a quarterly print magazine (at the time of this writing) with a digital weekly magazine. Their website has a resource directory listing coaches. Again, all these listing are paid for. Here, coaches can also pay for highlighted listings. So the highlighted coaches are not necessarily better or worse than the other coaches listed.
There are other listings but these are the most well known. The ADHD coaches are usually listed under “resources” or “support” on the various websites.
Search the listings for the right type of coach for you. If you are interested in seeing a coach in person, rather than by phone or skype, your first criteria probably will be location. If you prefer the phone, skype or there is not a coach in your immediate area, then the first criteria could be what the coach specializes in. Be aware that some coaches regardless of their location may only work over the phone or skype.
Review the possible listings and pick at least 3 coaches.
Go to their websites to learn more about each of the coaches. Remember not to “read a book by its cover.” Look at the information rather than just the design of the website.
Each site will either have a contact link, phone number or both. You will want to talk with each of the minimum of three coaches.
I know it is hard for us to make or return phone calls but it is crucial to talk with each coach to get a feel for them. You need to be able to trust them.
Take notes about each coach you research and talk to so you can make an informed decision.
Part 2 of How to Hire an ADHD Coach provides a list of questions to ask the potential coaches and/or research about them.
And then how to make this potential life changing decision…
Did you go to any of the listing sites? Of the sites you investigated, which did you find most informative? Which site was easiest to navigate? What information do you wish the sites provided that they didn’t?
Abigail Wurf, M.Ed, CLC
ADHD and Executive Functions Coach
Abigail Wurf works with adults, couples and parents affected by ADHD or executive function issues (see definition below) in a coaching and/or consulting capacities. Her clientele also includes college and graduate students struggling to make it through their programs.
She conducts workshops and speaking presentations on executive function issues such as productivity, planning, prioritizing, goal setting, time management, task initiation, emotional regulation, focus, meta-cognition, working memory, self inhibition and flexibility/shift.
Abigail’s work also includes presentations on ADHD, specific executive functions or theories of executive functions, invisible disabilities, resiliency and motivation.
Why You Need ADHD Coaching: Abigail Wurf
Why you need ADHD coaching.
Do you want this year to turn out the same as last year? Have the same results that have always happened? Keep getting the same outcomes you have always gotten?
How would you like to feel like you are moving forward in your life? How about not feeling the same old same old is happening again? To not experience that feeling of deja vu on not completing projects in a timely fashion? To experience success in your endeavors?
You can.
Why you need ADHD coaching is to not repeat past behaviors in the same way. It is hard having ADHD. One of the hardest parts is how you see your life repeating itself making the “same mistakes.”
Change is difficult, especially on your own. Coaching is a partnership where you decide what you and your coach are going to work on and the coach is a resource to help you achieve what you wish to achieve.
A coaching teacher of mine when talking about repeating behaviors and expecting different outcomes would respond, “and how is that working for ya?” She brings up a good point. Is what you are doing now working for you? If it is, carry on. But if it isn’t and you have ADHD, look into ADHD coaching.
It could change your life. It changed mine. It is one of the reasons I became an ADHD coach.
ADHD coaching could move you forward. Why not take a chance?
Abigail Wurf, M.Ed, CLC
ADHD and Executive Functions Coach
Abigail Wurf works with adults, couples and parents affected by ADHD or executive function issues (see definition below) in a coaching and/or consulting capacities. Her clientele also includes college and graduate students struggling to make it through their programs.
She conducts workshops and speaking presentations on executive function issues such as productivity, planning, prioritizing, goal setting, time management, task initiation, emotional regulation, focus, meta-cognition, working memory, self inhibition and flexibility/shift.
Abigail’s work also includes presentations on ADHD, specific executive functions or theories of executive functions, invisible disabilities, resiliency and motivation.