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I have heard it many times but this week it particularly struck me. Many of my ADHD coaching clients refer to what they do versus what “normal” people do. I cringe each time I hear this. I no longer believe there is a “normal” person around. We all have our problems and issues. For some it is ADHD. 

What I worry about is when they are comparing themselves to “normal” people that they are wrong and “normal” people are right which I believe is the wrong paradigm. Instead it is about difference not right or wrong ways of doing. For example, when I work with couples the non-ADHD partner will discuss how the ADHD partner isn’t efficient in how they do something around the house and therefore they are doing it wrong. It may be not as an efficient way as the non-ADHD partner does it but as long as it gets done it is not wrong just different.

Usually there is more than one way to do something. I believe as long as it gets done in a reasonable amount of time, efficiency is in the eye of the beholder. We never know the interior of another person’s life so I believe it is a waste of time comparing ourselves to others. The comparison will be faulty because we simply know way more about ourselves than we do about others.

Often with my clients we collect data. Objective information. Like the time it takes to do something not the amount of time it should take to do something. Once we have the data we can take informed action. It is a waste of time to think how long does it take a “normal” person to do it. What matters is how long it takes you. That is your reality. What someone else does is their business. A boss may say to do it faster. If that is the case all we can do is make the effort to do it faster or maybe get some support on how to improve our ability to do the task. There may be some things we don’t know or we may need to simply practice doing the task to improve our time in accomplishing it.

I wrote a book called “Forget Perfect: How to Succeed in Your Profession and Personal Life Even if You Have ADHD” now I am saying “forget normal.” Just like perfection, it doesn’t exist. We are who we are each of us different.

People affected with ADHD often explain too much. Instead of giving a direct answer we often like to contextualize what we are about to say because all details seem equally important to us. This may be fine in casual conversation with family and friends but can be detrimental in the work place.

As the saying goes – time is money. Often, we take too long with our responses because we like to tell a story or metaphor when we answer a question. We often give too much information which can cause our audience to grow impatient or bypass asking us for information at all.

I think the reason we explain too much is because we are processing our thoughts as we speak and working our way toward an answer. Also, I think that because we often have difficulty prioritizing. Figuring out what is necessary to say to convey our point can be difficult.

Years ago, a client I was coaching struggled with saying either too much or inappropriate things at work. People would become impatient with him to get to the point and want him to leave out extraneous details. We worked a long time on this. What we came up with is for him to ask himself internally if a detail was absolutely necessary to convey his point. If so, only then would he divulge that particular detail. The hope was to streamline his responses to questions. Reasoning that if the listener needed more information they would ask. That was helpful for the client to remember that people will ask for more detail if they feel it is necessary. Also, one can offer at the end of their response to fill in more details if requested. This leaves the door open for the listener to follow up if they want to.

We also worked on prepping before meetings. Spending a little time anticipating what information one might need to relay during a meeting can be helpful. You then have time to think of the most direct way to convey specific ideas. Then when the meeting occurs at least you are prepared for some of your answers. Obviously, there will be questions you didn’t anticipate but that is the nature of work. Spending a little time in advance preparing responses to anticipated questions will help you be more succinct.

Becoming more succinct in the workplace can be difficult but it can be practiced and improved upon.

By the time a potential client contacts me for ADHD coaching they may be frustrated or angry with themselves. They are tired of letting themselves down and letting the people in their life down. At work it may they didn’t start a task in a timely fashion and got the final product done late letting down their boss or co-workers. Or maybe they missed critical details in their haste to get something done and turned in a project with errors. At home it may be not doing their fair share of the work to keep the household running smoothly.

The anger or frustration at one’s self comes from having the best of intentions but falling short when it comes to follow through. We don’t sit around thinking of ways to get out of our responsibilities. Instead we spend time exerting our energies on the wrong things.

How do we manage the anger and frustration? By starting from where we are not from where we have been. We can waste a lot of time and energy on regret and recriminating ourselves for things not done. The problem is that this behavior not only doesn’t get us anywhere but it gets in our way. If we let people down it is appropriate to apologize and take action but not to wallow. Wallowing is just wasting time. We should instead direct our energy toward getting some help. This could take the form of getting professional help like a coach or a therapist. It could also mean asking for help from the people already in our life.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers or magic secrets that if we just knew the struggles would stop. But what we can stop is turning toward ourselves in anger and frustration. It serves no positive purpose. Instead forgive yourself and start on a plan of action to do better the next time.

As an ADHD and productivity coach, I work with adults and college students from across the country. They are all struggling. If they were not they wouldn’t have started working with me. In coaching the client is in charge. We talk about what they want to talk about. A lot of times when people call me about getting coaching, they want to know what the answer is for ADHD. Unfortunately, there is no one answer or silver bullet. There is only working on themselves to find ways to manage living with ADHD. I wish there was a magic answer. It would make my life easier as I have ADHD myself.

Life, as it is said, is a work in progress. So is living with ADHD. What may work for you for many months or years may suddenly stop working and you need to find a new way of doing. This is simply a part of living with ADHD. As our life changes so do our needs. Even if our life doesn’t change, what worked for us before may simply stop working. This can be frustrating for those living with ADHD and to the people with whom we live.  Again, unfortunately there is no magic answer.

So, what is to be done?

I wish I knew. Part of being a coach is knowing you don’t have all the answers but luckily the clients often do. With the coach’s help they just need to do a little investigating within themselves to find the answers for now. It is important to understand that answers they find may not be for all time but just for now.

If the difficulties reappear the client needs to investigate again and hope to find new answers. It is also possible that some answers from the past may work again.

The bottom line is that the coach can help but clients are always in charge of their lives.

As an ADHD coach I am often contacted by people looking for resources regarding ADHD. There are some great organizations that provide information and resources for those affected by ADHD.

One of the best known is CHADD (www.chadd.org). Founded in 1987 as a resource for parents with children affected by ADHD, CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) now serves the entire ADHD community through education, advocacy and resources for getting support when ADHD affects you or your family. CHADD’s mission is to improve the lives of people with ADHD. Aside from the national staff office just outside Washington DC, CHADD has chapters and volunteers across the country as well as a strong digital presence with many publications.

Another organization is ADDA (www.add.org). ADDA stands for Attention Deficit Disorder Association. Focused towards adults affected by ADHD, ADDA provides education and resources for the ADHD community. Their mission statement is:

“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association provides information, resources and networking opportunities to help adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder lead better lives.

We provide hope, empowerment and connections worldwide by brining together science and the human experience for both adults with ADHD and professionals who serve them.”

ADDA also has a strong digital presence and does many webinars on issues related to living with ADHD. Like CHADD, ADDA works with many experts to bring the best information and resources to the ADHD community.

The ADHD Coaches Organization (www.adhdcoaches.org ) known as the ACO, is a professional organization for ADHD coaches. It is relevant because like CHADD and ADDA, on the ACO website is directory of ADHD coaches. All three websites have directories where you can look up by location or specialty ADHD coaches. What is nice about the ACO listing is that it is adjudicated. Meaning, in order to be listed you must have a certain level of ADHD coach training.

ADDitude Magazine (www.additudemag.com ) a website and magazine that publishes extensively on ADHD. They offer tests, tools, information and webinars on ADHD. ADDitude also has a directory of ADHD coaches.

Many years ago I was introduced to “Stop, Start, Continue.” It is often used for team-based improvement. I like to use it to periodically to review my current life in relation to how I want my life to be.

I look at my goals that I am trying to achieve and apply the formula. For example, let’s say one of my goals was to travel abroad to places I haven’t been before. My “stop” might be to decrease money spent on unnecessary items. My “start” might be to start a savings account for future travel. My “continue” might be to continue doing research on where to visit.

What I like about this formula is that it can work for most anything. Last year I applied the formula to my marketing. I decided to stop doing my podcast, start reaching out to psychiatrists for referrals through mailings and to continue to do my newsletter.

Often we continue to do things because we have always done them whether they are working for us anymore or not. We need to think about what we can stop doing to make room for things we want to start doing. We can’t always be starting things if we never stop anything. We would simply run out of time. When I want to start something new I try to remember to figure out something I can stop doing to make space for the new thing.

People affected by ADHD often get caught up in the “bright, sparkly and new” and don’t think about what they should continue to be doing and what they should stop doing.

When you are making plans or re-evaluating a goal think about what you could “Stop, start, continue” doing.