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ADHD/ADD Solve Late Payments and More
ADHD/ADD Couples Coaching
I recently finished training on how ADHD effects couples. Usually, when ADHD is a factor in a relationship and/or a marriage it is because one partner has ADHD and the other doesn’t. Often the ADHD partner hasn’t been diagnosed, is just recently diagnosed or isn’t acting on their diagnosis. Once the couple discovers that ADHD is a player in the marriage or relationship dysfunction they think they have the answer to all their problems and now things will get better. But things will not get better yet!
It is what the couple does with the new information of ADHD as a factor in their relationship that begins the change and healing. For the partner with the ADHD diagnosis means getting as educated as possible about the issues surrounding ADHD and how the issues, their issues, infringe on the people they live with. For the non-ADHD partner, it means getting educated about what ADHD is and the implications that has for the relationship. Knowledge doesn’t necessarily mean automatic change. Expectations need to be realistic.
Coaching can help in two ways. Coaching for the ADHD person to develop skills and systems to manage the ADHD and coaching the couple to find a better way to live with the reality they are in and create a balanced relationship. One of the most likely scenarios that occurs is that the non-ADHD partner becomes a kind of pseudo-parent to the ADHD partner. The ADHD partner resents being told or “nagged” on what they should be doing and the non-ADHD partner resents all the responsibility of the relationship falling on their shoulders. That dynamic has to be changed so that the partners are once again in a true partnership, each of them carrying their equal portion of the load. It also has to be understood that each partner will carry their load in a different way based on who they are and what their skills are. No one way is correct, each way is simply different.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions or are interested in couples ADHD coaching.
ADHD/ADD Coaching: The Conversation
In an earlier blog, I think the first, I talked about what ADHD/ADD coaching was. What I didn’t go into detail about is what actually happens during the coaching conversations.
Questions! That is what kicks off the conversation. What would you like to work on today? By the end of our conversation what would you like to walk away with? Those two questions or ones like them establish what the client wants to talk about and what they want to take away at the end of the conversation.
The next part of the conversation is a discussion on how to get where the client wants to go. Through open ended questions and direct statements the coach is a conduit for the client to discover for themselves the answers they seek.
Two parts of the conversation are left. What did the client learn and how are they going to implement what they have learned into action.
Coaching is about future action. That is one of the differences it has with therapy which often focused on the past or pathology. So each conversation ends with the client coming up with a specific actionable plan of what they will do from now until the next coaching session.
This includes the coach asking what type of support the client will need to succeed in their plan, homework or fieldwork, depending what you choose to call it. Support can make the difference as to whether a plan is successful or not. Sometimes the client only needs themselves as support or they may plan to have their spouse, friend, co-worker or family member support them in their goal.
During this whole process, the coach is often reframing what the client is saying. This means that the coach is repeating back, usually using the client’s words, what they are saying so that the client can really hear where they are going with their thoughts and conclusions. This is especially important for people with ADHD/ADD because our working memories are poor so we often lose track of what we are saying and may miss some “golden nuggets.”
I hope this post has helped those of you who have never had a coaching conversation be able to envision what it may be like and how the experience could be transformative. When looking for the right coach for you it is perfectly valid to ask what is the coach’s model for a productive coaching conversation.
Increase in ADHD Diagnoses
Recently, in newspapers across the country, there have been articles about the dramatic increase of diagnoses of ADHD. In fact, there has been a 66% increase since 2000 of children. That is huge! So what has caused such a big increase? No one can say for sure but there is much speculation. What is also interesting is there has been a small but significant decrease in the prescription of stimulants (almost 10%) to children as treatment during 2000 to 2010. The study from Northwestern University and quoted here from the Huffington Post, brings up many questions.
It may take awhile to sort out what all this means to the ADHD community but it is worth keeping track of.
ADD/ADHD and Work
The day in and day out problems of ADD/ADHD can become magnified in work situations. Our weaknesses are often what are the basic prized attributes of a good employee. The first one that comes to mind is time. Getting to work on time, not being late. That is often just a basic (reasonable) expectation of employers and a hard thing for many people with ADHD to achieve. For many people with ADHD, they try very hard to get to work on time but it just doesn’t happen. Some feel as long as they get the work done, why does it matter what time they get to work. I think for many employers it is about equity. The other employees are making it to work on time, so should you. They, the employer, are not understanding that ADHD is a real impairment. Furthermore most employers don’t know which employees have ADHD because it is the general rule of thumb not to disclose.
Another area of difficulty is project management. When you are given multiple projects and different deadlines. Prioritizing and managing when you are going to do what, how long each is going to take and what is the best process for each project can be difficult to discern. These issues involve executive function skills (see previous post on executive function skills) which are markedly weaker for individuals with ADHD.
Impulse control or blurting can be another minefield for people with ADHD. This is when the person with ADHD impulsively acts without thinking or blurts out something inappropriate spontaneously without thinking through the ramifications. This is how many ADHD people lose their job by quitting in the heat of the moment rather than taking a deep breath or some down time before addressing a hot issue they may have with their superior or employer.
In general, people with ADHD don’t like to be told what to do. A sense of resistance arises within them if it isn’t done in an appropriate manner. This is problematic, especially when you first start out in the work force and are at the bottom of the power structure. All you get is people telling you what to do. In addition, having ADHD often means having difficulty with short term memory so remembering instructions that are quickly given can be difficult thereby adding additional frustration to the ADHD individual in the situation. Sometimes this can be viewed as failure to act quickly by the employer.
These are just a few of the issues that come up in the work environment for someone with ADHD. What comes up for you? Are the issues related to time, organization, memory, planning, relationship or other things? I know for me, working alone a lot of the time, simply keeping motivated is hard. I have to remember that all the little pieces help add to the bigger picture. I make lots of lists and try to make appointments with myself for tedious tasks that need to get done. It helps to think about how good I will feel when the tasks are done to motivate myself. And of course, a coach helps me to organize, prioritize and set goals that keep me moving forward.
ADHD/ADD Support Groups Begin in DC
In January, the first official meeting of the DC ADHD Support Group for adults met on January 9th at the Tenleytown Library in northwest Washington DC. On January 18th, the DC ADHD Family and Friends of ADHDers Support Group met for the first time also at the Tenleytown Library, this is an adult group too. The topic for both groups was Getting Organized for 2012.
Organization is one of the most challenging difficulties that people with ADHD and their families contend with. Whether it is organizing one’s room, one’s day, a project or a vacation. People with ADHD run into many stumbling blocks. First, and foremost is how and where to start. Prioritizing comes into play which is also often a weakness for people with ADHD. If you don’t know where to start and what is most important, it is hard to organize yourself to begin any project or job that involves organization. And most things in this life involve organizing at some level.
The next meetings in February are on Relationships – Social/Familial/Personal Interactions. The DC ADHD Support Group will meet on February 6th. The DC Family and Friends of ADHDers will meet on February 8th.
If you want more information, visit meetup.com and look under Washington DC (zip code 20016) and ADHD.