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Living with ADHD is a frustrating experience and it can often be discouraging. Things don’t happen as we plan them to. There is lots of disappointment. It can be as if we keep falling off the horse we are riding through life. This is true but it is not all. We do fall off the horse a lot. That is not failure in my mind, it is just fact. What is failure is not getting back on the horse after we have fallen off again and again. I think one of the keys to living with ADHD is being resilient. Getting back up on that horse time after time. Like most things, the more you do it the easier it gets. Resiliency is developed. I see this all the time with my clients. When something goes wrong at first they feel like they are failing. They have two options – luxuriate in the failure or dust themselves off and get back to living, getting back on the horse as quickly as possible. The ones who luxuriate continue to feel like they are failing. The ones who try to get back to living feel hope and hope is energizing. Dwelling in failure is not. We all fail in life from time to time. That is to be expected. But it is how we handle that failure that counts. We can use it as an excuse to give up or as an opportunity to try again or move on the something different. I am not saying this is easy. Resiliency can be hard to cultivate but it is a worthwhile skill to have. It simply makes life easier to live and less painful. Often when I am working with an ADHD affected client, failure comes up a lot but they rarely mention resiliency. I know they are resilient because they wouldn’t have hired me as their coach if they weren’t resilient. Resiliency has to do with adapting to the situation you are in. People come to me because they are struggling living with ADHD and they need help adapting. Part of adapting is seeking help when you need it. Their presence in a coaching relationship is in and of itself proof that they are resilient. Instead of staying stuck they are taking action to improve their lives. Unfortunately there is no magic spell that will make ADHD issues go away. But being resilient makes ADHD easier to live with. It allows you to keep moving forward rather than getting stuck or moving backwards. This is why it is important to cultivate a resilient mindset. Googling “resiliency” I found this description: “Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. … Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn’t experience difficulty or distress.” (The road to resilience – American Psychological Association) The key phrase is “adapting well.” It doesn’t negate what you are experiencing but it does mean that you begin to adapt to your situation well. Adapting means changing to fit successfully within your situation. I believe that people affected by ADHD are resilient because they are constantly having to adapt to a world around them that doesn’t necessarily always fit them. I encourage you to look back on your life experiences and notice how resilient you have been in the past. You have the skill within you. Cultivate it. Use it.

I often coach entrepreneurs affected by ADHD. They all seem to fall into the same trap. They are behind in their work and desperate to get something done so they wait for a completely open day they have and plan to get a lot done that day. Usually they don’t. However, when what they are working on is due that day the pressure does gets them going.

Completely open days can be dangerous for those of us affected by ADHD if we plan to get something done. All the time my entrepreneurial clients try to schedule days with no appointments thinking they will get a lot done. Often they get little or nothing done those days. They tend to be most productive on days when they are already busy.

Busy can be good. Busy can provide structure to your day. I know I get a lot done when I work between appointments. I think scarcity has something to do with this. A limited amount of time seems to force action more quickly than an open unlimited amount of time.

Often I get calls from parents of college students who are in trouble because they are behind in their work. These students were often good students in high school and the parents can’t figure out why they are having trouble in college. I often learn that when the student was in high school the day was highly structured with classes and activities. Also family often helped them manage their time to get their homework done. When they get to college they often have a more open schedule along with a lot of unstructured time. This often leads to failure. Large quantities of open time can be difficult for those affected by ADHD to be productive.

Structure helps many affected by ADHD to be more productive. This is especially so when the structure is from forces outside of the person affected by ADHD. We really struggle with imposing structure on ourselves. I have worked with unemployed people while they are looking for a job because they struggle to stick with the job hunt day in and day out. I always advise they start volunteering somewhere. They worry about doing this because they feel they must put all their time into the job hunt even though they are mostly just procrastinating. Volunteering part-time gives structure to their day. Their time becomes limited and therefore most likely more productive.

The times in my life that I have accomplished the most was when my schedule was full. It forced me to work more efficiently. Getting started on tasks was easier and completing tasks was easier. There simply wasn’t time to procrastinate.

If you have open days when you need to get a lot of work done force some structure on those days. Make some appointments and activities to break the day up and work in between the structured times.

Of course this won’t always work but it can help you get your tasks done.

I work with a lot of college students who struggle to get their work done. Some of the things that help them get through the semester could also help those of us who have jobs or have long-term projects.

If I am starting with a college student at the beginning of the semester we take the syllabus of each course and read it carefully to get a good start. It tells us the expectations of the professor, assignments, projects and exams for the semester. Most important the syllabus usually gives due dates for readings and assignments as well as the dates of the tests and exams.

Those of us with jobs don’t always get clear directions and expectations but there can be clues. Check your job description, memos and notes you have about your tasks and assignments. Gather as much information as you can on your tasks, responsibilities and projects.

The college students often find it helpful to “calendar” their syllabi. This means putting everything in a calendar so it is possible to see how all the various due dates intersect. It also gives a good timeline of when the work has to be done. This way it is possible to plan ahead and also to reduce the number of surprises.

One can do the same thing on the job and with long-term independent projects. “Calendar” out all your tasks and projects. For big tasks and long-term projects it is helpful to break up the task or project into smaller chunks that you can set the dates to do the job.

This can be hard to do for those affected by ADHD but it can be helpful whether you are a college student, work or in charge of a long-term task. The goals are to reduce the number of surprises as to when things are due and to have a better chance at getting tasks done because they have clear due dates whether they were assigned to you or you assigned to yourself.

Now you have a road map for the semester or quarter if not longer. You can make this roadmap digitally or use a paper calendar. Personally I do this in a paper planner because the act of going through the calendar and writing the tasks down helps me see the ebb and flow of my work. As a result I able to make adjustments so that too many things are not due on one day. I can plan when I am going to start and complete each task.

A lot of people affected by ADHD are resistant to doing this. Some feel too stressed and overloaded just by thinking about all that they have to get done. Some feel that this is a waste of time because they won’t follow the schedule so why create it. Some of them may think the real problem is getting started on the tasks.

Yes it is hard to think about all your tasks and when they are due. And yes you will most likely not follow your calendar exactly. That is the nature of ADHD. But this calendar can be a resource for you and your thinking about how to plan your day, week and month. I am always looking at my planner to know what tasks are due the that day, the next day and what tasks are coming up in future days and weeks. We tend to forget things so having one place that we consult daily, if not multiple times a day like me, can help us.

As for getting started on tasks I have written about that extensively and I am sure to do so again in the future.

(Check out my blog https://abigailwurf.com/blogs/ for some posts on getting started and completing tasks.)

I have noticed that I and many of my clients affected by ADHD tend to explain too much. We often struggle to give succinct answers when asked a question. We are storytellers who tell a story on the way to our answer. Nothing wrong with telling a story but if you are in a situation where direct specific answers are expected a story is out of place, especially a long one.

Supervisor: “Did you get the document done?”

Employee: “I had so many problems with the computer, first the computer froze, I had to call IT and wait for them, then I lost the document so I had to start over… but I got it done.”

All the question really required was “yes.”

If the answer was “no” there should be a succinct explanation followed by the solution. “Had computer problems and I will get the document to you by 5 pm today,” rather than a long explanation of what happened.

I think when we respond to questions where there was a problem or we didn’t get the task done we think explaining all we went through is helpful. Instead it sounds like a long excuse. Be succinct, explain quickly you had a problem and then state your solution. The longer you dwell on all the reasons you didn’t get something done the more it sounds like an excuse and tests the patience of the listener.

It is important to read the situation you are in. Is it a situation such as a professional meeting where succinct answers are expected or are you hanging out with a bunch of friends shooting the breeze where storytelling is not only welcome but expected? Then act accordingly.

We are all works in progress on this but each time we succeed in being succinct it makes it easier the next time.

Two clients this week made the same observation. After I asked them questions that forced them to think out loud they said they knew what to do about issues that had been concerning them prior to the coaching session.

It struck me both times that often we know the answers to our questions if we are given an opportunity to think out loud. To put a voice to our concerns often helps us to start perceiving solutions or at least actions we can take toward resolving those concerns.

It is helpful to have someone like a coach to share your thoughts with but sometimes that is not possible. When struggling with an issue the simple act of saying your concern out loud often leads to some relief. Just getting your issue out there for someone else to hear can break up the thought loop that often occurs when we are struggling with something. I liken thought loops to hamster wheels – the same thoughts going around and around with no end in sight. Stating your thoughts out loud can disrupt the thought loop at least temporarily.

People affected by ADHD can get easily overwhelmed with repetitive thoughts. Stopping to talk about them sometimes calms us down and enables us to get past the paralysis overwhelm can cause. It is often during this process that we begin to think of options and actions we can take by ourselves or if need be with the help of others.

Next time you have a concern that is overwhelming you talk it out. Whether with a coach, a counselor or a friend, talking things out forces us to slow down, interrupt our thought loops and see new options.

Many of my clients often wait for the perfect time to start something, that is a moment when all the planets will align perfectly and they will feel the urge to activate. Unfortunately that rarely occurs when one is affected by ADHD. Instead we have to find ways to get ourselves going. And this can be hard. Unfortunately there is no one answer. Different things work for different people and different things work at different times.

A method that works for a lot of people is breaking the task in small chunks and tackling each chunk one at a time. It is important that each chunk is small and achievable – that there is a clear beginning and end. An example I use often is taxes. Doing your taxes is overwhelming and big. It is hard to know where to start which makes it harder to start. Instead of writing down or deciding to “do your taxes” break it down. Make a list breaking the project down to doable tasks.

In the example of the taxes, make a list of all you have to do. This includes:

Gathering all receipts

Dividing the receipts by categories

Gather bank records

Gather charitable contributions

Gather medical expenses

Calculate income

Gather investment tax documents

Etc.

Making the list helps activate you because small chunks are more doable than a big project such as “doing your taxes.”

Then start by choosing a task that is small and seems doable. Do it and then check it off the list. This helps build momentum to do another small task from the list. The key is to make each task or chunk specific so you don’t have any ambiguity of what you are going to do.   Open-ended tasks are harder to get started on because you don’t have a clear sense of when it will be done.

Another way to get activated on a task is to have a buddy, someone who will sit with you while you get to work. You feel responsible for not wasting their time and they encourage to keep going. The combination helps get you started and going until you finish. Just remember to offer to help them with something so that there is reciprocity. One of my clients has a regular appointment with another person also affected by ADHD. Once a month they get together to pay their bills and do paperwork that comes up. They keep each other going.

It is most important that if you wait for the perfect moment to start – you will never start. Remember, you simply have to start from where you are because an imperfect start is better than not starting at all.

“You will never be completely ready. Start from wherever you are.” C.J. Hayden